They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
this has to be peak English
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
there’s probably a fee though
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.