In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You Might Also Like
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates