my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.