Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.