[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
A bold strategy
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx