Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp