I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Damn he played himself
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today