So that’s what we looked like?
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them