Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I think about this a lot
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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a
n
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.