my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
You Might Also Like
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.