gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.