*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
You Might Also Like
Jurassic park gets weird
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?