Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Care for your back
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole