[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
This is me 🤣🤣
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m giving up ice.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
concern
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.