Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.