*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My whole life was a lie.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.