[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.