They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
#Caturday
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured