Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.