[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
You Might Also Like
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
May never get over this
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
No point crayon over spilled milk.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol