[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
🤭😂
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child