I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.