I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I wish I could veto my bills.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.