If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
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No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.