Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster