Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.