Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Pigeon open mic night.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me