Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that鈥檚 racist
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he鈥檚 not my President
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO鈥橲 READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
It鈥檚 so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*window shutter falls off my house* we鈥檙e gonna need more command strips.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.