Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Favourite diary entry ever
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
won’t smith
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.