me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender