When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
You Might Also Like
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
(yawn)
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no