Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
screw you
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
X-tra spooky blend
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>