wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
😆this is so true
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
i wish we could shoplift online
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt