Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”