Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
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[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.