PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry