STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?