Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Just had my nails done!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES