I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Unexpected Judgment
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Expect the unexporcupine.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.