[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
😂 amazing answer
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.