My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Chicken bread
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea