me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.