Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Coffee is ready.