Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you