No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Oh we’ve met.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.