My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.