I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
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Cardio Made Easy
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I have many caverns
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans