[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs