The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .