I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge